Me:
Ladies and Gentlemen, I have with me today, Arlo, one of the heroes of the SciFi comedy series, 'Arlo and Jake'.
Arlo has been described as a mean, green, gnat-eating machine. He's reportedly responsible for heroically saving half the star ships in the Federation of Thirteen Galaxies, the FTG. He's saved the skin of his human partner on multiple occasions. And he's currently the love interest of alien lizardoid females across half the known galaxies.
Arlo:
What do you mean 'reportedly', Butthead. By the way, if Leeta hears about the other ladies from this, I'm coming back to chew your eyeballs out. Leeta, you're my only love, trust me!
Me:
Arlo has graciously brought with him a cool looking thought-transmission device, or TTD for short, so that we can talk more easily. Arlo is telepathic but evidently, my 'mental capacity' isn't sufficient to communicate without it. Thanks for the TTD, Arlo.
Arlo:
No sweat, Dude. Focus a little more, would you, I'm having trouble with your accent. Tap on the red button to boost the output. Man, I forget what mental midgets humans are.
Me:
Uh, right, sorry. Well. Hello, Arlo, and thank you for stopping by to talk with us. Can you tell us how you met Jake, your human partner?
Arlo:
Well, actually the whole story is classified information, Pilgrim. What I can tell you is that before this all happened we were enjoying the good life on the beach in Port Aransas. Beer. Brats. More sand flies than I could eat and nothing to do but sit on the patio, watch the waves and the beach bunnies.
Then Captain Starla, Nanel and Betzel showed up. Three bombshells in bikinis on the beach; Jake didn't stand a chance. Caught like a deer in the headlights, so to speak.
Me:
So the officers of the star battleship 'Triumph' just showed up and asked for volunteers to join the FTG Space Navy, right?. Did you and Jake volunteer right then?
Arlo:
Volunteer? You outta your mind, Buckaroo? They conscripted us right off the patio of Jake's beach house. Whoosh. One minute we were basking in the hot Texas sun, the next we were floating in an over-sized Jacuzzi filled with slimy goo in the Triumph's medical lab.
Course, we didn't know at the time that the goo would reset our DNA and mess with our grey matter. I don't think Jake handled it all that well either. Being buck naked in a tub of bubbling goop, staring out at Pixie, was a shock to say the least.
Me:
'Pixie'?
Arlo:
Yeah. Lieutenant Tillet. She's a Spritezoid and Captain Starla's right hand gal. Petite, pink haired bundle of energy. Jake gave her the nickname 'Pixie'. You'll see why in the story. Anyway, she was assigned to help Jake and I get indoctrinated into the fleet.
Me:
Wow, getting transported onto a star ship must have been awesome, Arlo!
Arlo:
Actually, the whole 'scoop me up and drop me into a bucket of goo' scared me, uh, witless. And at that point, I didn't have a lot of wits to spare!
Me:
What do you mean?
Arlo:
Dude! I'm a Panther Chameleon. You know, 'Furcifer Pardalis'. Back then, my noggin' was still filled with 'oooh, tasty flies' and 'hmm gotta find a place to go bad. eh, this spot will do'. Get it? Little ole me was still a happy, carefree, dumb as a stump lizard, who just got snapped up and dumped into a bowl of bubbling buffalo snot.
Me:
I see. So when did you become 'aware', so to speak.
Arlo:
Really? You want to give away all the good stuff in this interview? You're dumber than a pine post, man.
Me:
Sorry, wasn't thinking. So. Let's wrap up this interview on a positive note, shall we? In book one, 'Arlo and Jake Enlist', we read how you and Jake enlist to fight for Earth and other planets against the evil 'Galactic Houses of Aquinoxous' or GHA. This alien federation is scouring the galaxies, wiping out all terran life forms, and then 'aquaforming' the planets for colonization. They are led by the warrior 'Octozoid' species. Huge, tentacled... ah... well the reader will find out in book one.
Arlo:
That's right. We kick some Octozoid butt, man, and ... ooops, almost gave away the goods myself! Let's just say me and Jake have a bang up adventure, meet some sweet girls and, well, we are 'heroes' after all.
Gotta run. Just got a message from the Triumph, there's some trouble in the T'otCeeRoll galaxy, all leave has been cancelled. We can chew the fat next time I'm in the neighborhood.
Me:
That's too bad... Oh, he's gone. Nice trick. I thought chameleons were slow. Huh.
Well, that's it, folks. I've extended a invitation to all the crew of the Triumph to stop by whenever they pass this way.
Till next time.
Be cool.
Be happy.
Be the Bee.
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